Friday, November 1, 2013

The Gal in the Blue Mask

I was asked the other day what the significance behind my blog name was and ever since that conversation thoughts on it keep popping into my head.

My reply:  "People wear masks.  That's what they do.  Mine would be blue."

His reply: "Masks suck, unless it's Halloween.  You shouldn't have to be fake or hide anything from anyone."

But that's not true, is it?  Well, not completely true.

Even with the people closest to me, there are things hidden - thoughts (some good, some bad), memories, feelings - that I don't share, can't share, won't share.  It's not them.  It's me.  It's a fear that if they knew everything, that if I had nothing left to hide, they wouldn't want me, want to be around me.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I can't be.  Does everyone else wear their hearts on their sleeves and I just haven't noticed?

And things are easier - no, not things, me - I'm easier to share with someone who I'm not standing in font of, though sometimes I think that I'm lost in translation either way.  In a message, text, email, phone call, I can choose when it ends - feign busy or make the excuse that I didn't hear the ring or notification - but in "real life" it's rude to just walk away, which is most likely what I would do - walk away before they can walk away from me.

Emotions are the hardest thing for me to share with anyone.  (Maybe it's because I don't always understand them.  It's hard enough to understand my own, even harder to understand what others are feeling.)  How do you say I think I'm falling for you?  I'm angry right now?  You've upset me, hurt me, disappointed me?  And when I do try BOY do I screw it up.

So I do what I always do, I put my mask on.  I pretend that everything is ok, that I'm ok.  I smile and laugh - when on the inside, I don't always feel that way.  (Isn't that the socially acceptable thing to do?)

I don't like confrontation, arguments.  I don't like people angry with me.  I think that hurts me more than any other hurt I've felt.  But there are tells, everyone has them.  You just have to learn how to read the person to see them.

"It's whatever" means I'm irritated/mad (or, more likely, my feelings have been hurt in some way and I don't know how to explain it), but I want you to think that I don't care (cause indifference is easier than explaining what made me feel this way in the first place).

Giving you an out, an opportunity to walk away means that I really care about you and that fact scares the hell out of me.  It's my way of letting someone leave my life without drama or anything negative, but still on my terms.  

Not talking to someone for a day or two when I usually talk to them every day is just the way I do things sometimes - it gives me a chance to deal with whatever I'm dealing with at the moment - I like to deal with things on my own and even though sometimes I get frustrated enough to vent, that's not usually how I handle things.  (If I'm mad at you specifically, I'll usually complain abstractly - let you take the hint without me having to actually confront you.)

 I guess I'm not as uncomplicated as I thought I was.  Hmm .....


Diego Martin said...

i read once that we all have three different masks. One that we share with family, one that we share with friends and one that we share with people online that we will never meet. And it is always easier to share with strangers who appear not to be able to judge you. And most of the time that is the mask we wear most often. I do...

Mollydee said...

Diego - that is interesting. I remember a time when you did not have an online persona. So you either were who you were, or you hid. But even back then I know people had their work mask, their home mask, their friend mask. I believe we all put them on for our own reasons. I think the most important thing is to make sure we had at least one person in out lives that we do not have to wear the mask for.

Mollydee said...

gal in the blue mask- great piece of work. Everything you said was true and resonated with me. Thank you for a such a great piece. I do not want to repeat myself but see my reply to Diego. And I hope you have more than one person that you can take your mask off for.